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Offscript Period Series | Ep 03

If Modern Family parents sat down for a chat about how to talk about periods with your kids, how would it go?

Well, probably with some awkward metaphors, old-time stories, and a surprising amount of heartfelt advice. Here’s how we imagine the parents of Modern Family would handle period-positive conversations:

The Pritchetts: Old-School Grumps & Colombian Sass

Jay Pritchett- Old-School, but Trying

“Look, in my day, this stuff wasn’t exactly dinner table conversation. You got The Talk once, maybe twice, and that was it. But times are different. My granddaughter’s got an app for tracking her period and uses biodegradable pads made from banana fiber. Speaking of which, whatever happened to going out and touching actual grass instead of tapping away on a rectangle box? I mean, where does...”

Gloria interrupts, “Okay, Jay. You are old, we get it. Can you please get back on track?” 

Jay coughs and states, “Fine. Don’t listen to an old man giving away his wisdom. Anyway, back then, we didn’t think about what happened after you threw things away. I’m glad she’s got products that are better for her and the planet. I may not be the guy she comes to first, but I make sure she knows she can. That’s what matters.” 

Gloria snarks, “Yeah, is that why you still whisper about periods?” 

Jay looks at her and says, “Oh, okay. Sorry if I’m not the most open-minded person in the room right now. My son is gay, alright? I’ve had to unlearn a lot in my lifetime. And I’m still learning. So give the old guy a little credit before you decide I’m completely hopeless about women’s health stuff.” 

Gloria says in a matter-of-fact tone, “Okay, it’s just that Mitchell came out like a thousand years ago, so you don’t have to bring that up every time, that’s all. But sure, baby steps, I guess.” 

Gloria Pritchett- Zero Shame, 100% Sass

“In Colombia, we talk about the body like it’s something to be proud of...”

Jay interrupts her this time, “Based on the many calls she has with her family, I can assure you they talk a lot about bodies. Now that I say it out loud, it’s almost concerning.”

Gloria gives him a side-eye and continues, “Oh, please, those bodies are not even very lively, how is that concerning?” 

Jay looks at her with his eyes wide and says, “Do you hear yourself right now? What do you mean by ‘not lively’?” 

Gloria adjusts herself on the couch and says, “Let’s discuss this later, Jay, you are disturbing my flow of thoughts, geez. What was I saying? Yeah, so periods are natural. They do not make you dirty or dramatic. 

When Manny was young, I told him: if someone is on their period, you offer chocolate, a blanket, and an ear to listen….and maybe you don’t give them pads full of plastic. You get them Saathi pads. It’s called respect. And if you can’t handle that? Grow up.” 

The Dunphys: Organized Chaos & Phil-osophy

Phil Dunphy- Supportive, but Confused Dad Mode

“Okay, so full disclosure, I panicked the first time I found a pad in the laundry. I thought it was some kind of home improvement sponge. But once I got past my… confusion, I realized this is just another way I can show up as a dad. I immediately went on the internet, and a few bloop bloop bloops later, I was all caught up on the period terms. You know what they say, ‘If you can’t flow with it, just go with it’, right?” 

Claire looks at him, puzzled, “Okay, first of all, no one has ever said that. And secondly, what the hell does that even mean?” 

Phil keeps his eyes on the camera, smiles, and responds, “It’s okay, Claire. The internet is a landscape that common folks, such as yourself, can’t navigate. I think you still have a lot to learn. Am I right, ladies?”

Claire rubs her face in annoyance and says, “I wish, for once, I could see the ladies you keep talking to.” 

Phil coughs and continues, “So when my girls told me about Saathi’s pads, made from bamboo and banana fiber, and no plastic? I was like, “Mother nature! That’s brilliant.” I may not get periods, but I’ve got your back. Also, I made a song on it once. It was poorly received. Very poorly. But, I still stand by the chorus: “Don’t make it drastic, say no to plastic! Go with bamboo, it’s good for you-hoo!” 

Claire looks at him and states, “You really shouldn’t. That song was really bad.” 

Claire Dunphy- Practical and Prepared

“Just forget whatever Phil said about the internet and the song. Let me tell you the real trick to period-positive parenting. I had put an emergency pad in every backpack, glovebox, and sock drawer before my daughters even got their first periods...” 

Luke passes by and notes, “I thought it was a fancy napkin and took it to school once.” 

Claire stops and continues, “Say that to your principal who awarded the ‘student of the year’ to you for being a woke kid with a pad.  

Getting back to the point, the key is normalizing it early, no whispering, no hiding products under your shirt. And if a dad’s too awkward to buy pads at the store? We fix that. 

I even looped Luke into the conversation… after he got the award, because periods aren’t just a ‘girl thing’, they’re a life thing. And yes, I’ve made sure the pads in this house are plastic-free, biodegradable, and actually comfortable. They break down in months instead of cluttering landfills for centuries. What else do girls want?” 

Haley comes in, “Speaking of what I want, I’d actually love my own space to live because living in the basement doesn’t really fit the vibe that I am going for in 2026? You know?” 

Alex comes in behind her and says, “And our parents actually wanted both their daughters to have a college degree, so I guess not all people get what they want.” 

Haley, offended, says, “Hey, I bought you your first Saathi Menstrual Cup out of the very small paycheck that I get, why do you always have to be so mean, ugh...” 

Moving on, let’s see what the Pritchett-Tucker couple has to say. 

The Pritchett-Tuckers: Drama, Cake, and Life Lessons

Mitchell Pritchett- Slightly Awkward, Wants to get it Right

“I mean, I was raised by Jay, so emotional openness wasn’t exactly our family motto. Of course, it was somewhat my fault when I came out of the closet to a person who owns a closet business. But, seriously...” 

Cam puts his arm around Mitchell’s shoulders and says, “Honey, let’s not get into years of parental trauma here, alright?” 

Mitchell sighs and looks down, then continues, “Yeah, so in an effort to NOT be like my parents, I want Lily to know she can talk to me about anything. I might fumble my way at first, but I’ll always show up. And hey, I’ve learned terms I never thought I’d use in public. Reusable menstrual cup? Got it. Luteal phase? Sure. PMSing? …We’re working on it.” 

Cameron Tucker- Dramatic, Empathetic, and a little extra

“That is true. Mitchell once brought up menopause when we were talking to the florist. And I wonder why the roses seemed to have extra sharp thorns that day.” He says while looking at Mitchell.  

“On another note, when Lily had her first period, I baked a cake. It was red velvet, confetti, and yes, Lady Gaga on full volume. Mitchell said it was a ‘bit much’, but I say there’s no such thing when you’re banishing shame...” 

Mitchell cuts him off with, “More like banishing our first-floor guests to who-knows-where even after they promised to pay double the amount for their stay and we really needed that payment...” 

“Your shallow thoughts are showing, Mitchell. Is everything still about a piece of paper to you?”

“That piece of paper is called a check, and that is literally what everyone needs to survive in this harsh economy.” 

“Whatever, I guess we did lose money that day, but focus on the bigger picture, Mitchell. Lily had the time of her life. And of course, I gave her her first box of Saathi pads - soft, biodegradable, and kinder to the planet than most people are to their life partners. She rolls her eyes, but one day she’ll thank me.” 

Lily comes out of the room and says, “Are you divas done with the interview yet? My iPad time has started, and I want my iPad!” 

Mitchell states, “Not with that attitude, she won’t.” 

Conclusion: 

That was surely a rollercoaster. 

The point is, they may not always say the right thing the right way, but the Modern Family parents are united on one thing: periods shouldn’t be taboo. 

Whether you’re confused but still willing to learn like Jay and Mitchell or bringing red velvet drama and preparedness like Cam and Claire, what matters is showing up, listening without judgment, and making space for open, honest conversations. And yes, choosing products that care for people and the planet, like Saathi pads, can be part of that conversation too.

Period-positive homes don’t have to be perfect. They just have to start talking. 

Coming next week: 

The family drama is staying, but the stakes just got a lot higher. Let’s come back to India, on the streets of Mumbai. 

Our next overworked dad doesn't have time for interviews. He’s too busy balancing grocery runs with global threats.

Next week, we dive into the double life of a guy who protects the nation by day but can’t seem to protect his own peace of mind by night...Can you crack the code and guess the next episode? (Hint: Don't be a minimum guy.)

This content is a work of parody and imaginative storytelling created for social awareness and education. All characters referenced are fictional and used purely for cultural commentary. This content is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or connected to the original creators, networks, or rights holders of Modern Family.